You were an upsettingly beautiful character. You were so very skinny - when I hugged you for the first time you felt so pointy, but that mattered very little to me. You dazzled the world every day with your childish wonder - the creativity that you exhaled with every breath, the late nights you spent creating music, parodies, letters, drawings. I remember the letters you sent me and how your words burned through me like fire. I remember how it felt, how it felt to find such an extraordinary wonder, someone who I felt so connected to, so strongly for. I remember our long skype sessions. I remember how shy and tentative you were with your feelings, how you were exploring a world of new things with me.
We wrote each other long messages filled with compliments and love. Yet we faded, I chose to let you go. You lived the other side of the world to me, and I decided that would be too hard.
I met you in your winter. I promised I would stay with you, when I was due to visit, I promised I would see you. My flights were booked and a week was the time we truly had together. I can close my eyes and see you laughing in the kitchen, with morning light spilling in through the window. ‘Breakfast pasta’ was the delicacy I had the privilege of eating with you. I remember going into the city together, you were showing me your favourite places to go. I remember you speaking French to your favourite pancake place, which tasted like holidays long gone. I remember how you tried to embarrass me in front of everyone by yelling at pigeons and grabbing my hand and running with me, while yelling as loud as you can, across a busy street. I remember our night walk and how we explored such odd places. I remember the zoo and laughing at the ridiculous signs together, admiring the animals and smiling.
I remember the quiet evenings. My head rested on your shoulder as we watched tv shows. I remember your hand tentatively reaching for mine late at night. I remember how your lips clumsily met mine, your arms clutched around me fiercely, you were nervous and inexperienced but I felt you, I felt you next to me, I felt your entire being pressed against mine.
I remember you told me you loved me. I remember I was too afraid to say it back.
I left and soon I was to fly back to England. We sent a few messages and you asked me not to go.
But it wasn’t me who left, in the end. The ocean took you. It grasped your body and pulled you deep into it’s depths. I remember the long flight back to the UK, I remember crying so much, 40 hours of travelling and all of it smothered with despair. The rescue teams couldn’t find your body. A week they searched for you, a week they spent, your family desperate for your return, your Facebook flooded with loving messages.
But you never came back. You never returned. I found someone who could light up the entire galaxy and watched them go out. I love you. I do. I love you, I always did. And I can close my eyes, I can look through the photos, I can post on your Facebook, but I never told you. I never fucking told you how much I love you.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you. No one on this earth could match your beauty and vibrance.
One day I will find you again. You will guide my soul and we will sit atop your favourite tree. We will watch the whole universe together. You and me. Together once more.