You were an upsettingly beautiful character. You were so very skinny - when I hugged you for the first time you felt so pointy, but that mattered very little to me. You dazzled the world every day with your childish wonder - the creativity that you exhaled with every breath, the late nights you spent creating music, parodies, letters, drawings. I remember the letters you sent me and how your words burned through me like fire. I remember how it felt, how it felt to find such an extraordinary wonder, someone who I felt so connected to, so strongly for. I remember our long skype sessions. I remember how shy and tentative you were with your feelings, how you were exploring a world of new things with me.

We wrote each other long messages filled with compliments and love. Yet we faded, I chose to let you go. You lived the other side of the world to me, and I decided that would be too hard.

I met you in your winter. I promised I would stay with you, when I was due to visit, I promised I would see you. My flights were booked and a week was the time we truly had together. I can close my eyes and see you laughing in the kitchen, with morning light spilling in through the window. ‘Breakfast pasta’ was the delicacy I had the privilege of eating with you. I remember going into the city together, you were showing me your favourite places to go. I remember you speaking French to your favourite pancake place, which tasted like holidays long gone. I remember how you tried to embarrass me in front of everyone by yelling at pigeons and grabbing my hand and running with me, while yelling as loud as you can, across a busy street. I remember our night walk and how we explored such odd places. I remember the zoo and laughing at the ridiculous signs together, admiring the animals and smiling.

I remember the quiet evenings. My head rested on your shoulder as we watched tv shows. I remember your hand tentatively reaching for mine late at night. I remember how your lips clumsily met mine, your arms clutched around me fiercely, you were nervous and inexperienced but I felt you, I felt you next to me, I felt your entire being pressed against mine.

I remember you told me you loved me. I remember I was too afraid to say it back.

I left and soon I was to fly back to England. We sent a few messages and you asked me not to go.

But it wasn’t me who left, in the end. The ocean took you. It grasped your body and pulled you deep into it’s depths. I remember the long flight back to the UK, I remember crying so much, 40 hours of travelling and all of it smothered with despair. The rescue teams couldn’t find your body. A week they searched for you, a week they spent, your family desperate for your return, your Facebook flooded with loving messages.

But you never came back. You never returned. I found someone who could light up the entire galaxy and watched them go out. I love you. I do. I love you, I always did. And I can close my eyes, I can look through the photos, I can post on your Facebook, but I never told you. I never fucking told you how much I love you.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you. No one on this earth could match your beauty and vibrance.

One day I will find you again. You will guide my soul and we will sit atop your favourite tree. We will watch the whole universe together. You and me. Together once more.

It weighs on your back
Your shoulders
Sleeps on your chest as you try hurriedly to breath
Scalding tears erupt from your eyes
Apologies collapse your lungs
You’re left faulted
Your fingers rake your skin
Trying to purge it out
A blackened mess fills your speech
As you try desperately to explain
Why you do it
What is hurting you.
What they see
Is a childish girl, an attention seeker,
A monster.
They will curse your name
And leave a bitterness in your soul
Even if you banish your demons
There always be those
Who believe you are one.

This isn’t rly writing it’s just a thing

I remember stumbling into your flat, my ginger hair was prevalent at that point and I remember the heat of the sun and the warmth that came rising from the ground. I was wearing my pretty blue dress (which is now gone, I spilt paint on it and it refused to ever come out). I walked in, confident and self assured, and asked you if Russ was here, but he wasn’t in. I didn’t leave - I talked to you. Your friend Tosh was round and I made a joke about sat navs. I can’t remember what we talked about but I remember you struck a chord with me. When I invited you into town with me I was excited when you said yes, I was excited that you were going to come and meet my friends, I was excited at the idea of this cute boy talking to me and having fun with me. The park was lovely that day, I picked daisies and made you wear them as a crown. I know now that’s so not you, I know now that you just liked me. You liked me so you let me be myself and be a dork, just like you let me drag you into dorky things now. I didn’t know how hard it was for you to talk to people, when my friends arrived you were a lot quieter and I was worried you didn’t like me. We got ice cream with them and my best friend spilled coke all over me, I later told him he was a terrible wingman, it was a bit awkward and stilted in there, you were uncomfortable and my friends didn’t know what to say to you. But you still did it, for me.
We left them after ice cream and I made sure to organise another date. I wanted to see you. That summer we spent weeks in your overheated room, we kissed for the first time on your bed, you waited for me to be comfortable in my skin around you. We talked for so long about so many things, politics, psychology, tv, friends, life, relationships. Bit by bit our walls came down and we saw in each other pieces that matched, we saw something so brilliant and wonderful, I know I valued every one of those days, every sweet moment of not having responsibilities, not being far away, sleeping next to you.

It’s worth every day apart. It’s worth every moment we are forced to wait out. It’s worth it for the day we sit together in your flat and look for a place to live. It’s worth it for the day I kiss you on our front doorstep the day we move in. It’s worth it for the day you get your masters degree, and I hug you tight and tell you how proud I am. It’s worth it for the life I hope we spend together. It’s worth it for our future. I love you, more than I can even express. I love you, I love you, I love you.

It’s weird how time changes you. The last time I felt really happy was when I was 13, when I was in a strict cookie cutter boarding school and they moulded you into perfect crisp model students. If you were splodgy or burnt then you were thrown out, there was no system set up to fix ones with problems, I guess that’s why I ran so hard from that place when I was 16.

I remember being 13, it was the first time I made friends with a girl who seemed other worldly to me. She wore make up and tight clothes and laughed about boys, she kissed them behind the bike sheds and I was so fascinated with her, her blonde hair and loud laugh, her good nature. I hid my sticker books under my pillow and put my Nintendo down and listened to her. How could I be like her? How could I get boys to like me too? These things became important all of a sudden, the dolly magazines I had poured over for the past 2 years in fascination became obsession, I had never touched make up before and trying to put on eyeliner made my eyes sting and cry, but it was okay, because boys would like me then. I was evolving from my simple ways, where I ignored the other girls who put on make up every weekend and still played pretend games with my two other misfit friends, to hastily learning how to be more like them, to ‘grow up’ because my way of enjoying things was too babyish.

I longed to be my friend with the golden hair. I longed to be able to get boys to like me; at 13 I had short hair and a gawky nature, at 13 I was discovering the parts of me that weren’t right, at 13 I began to see myself as hopeless and at 14, when I got my first real boyfriend, the girl with the golden hair took him away and that’s when I found out how much I wasn’t worth.

When I met you
I had electricity on my lips
Birds were born out of my hair
I touched the world and it held me close

The autumn came
My mouth was fire
The birds were screeching
I fled from the arms of the world

Winter is here
There’s no more sparks
The birds have died
But you still hold me close
Softly leading me forward over troubled ground.

There’s a taste of metal
As I stumble round the internet
It’s past midnight and my mind refuses to hush
I took my pills
With a glass of water
I think they keep me hollow
I think they keep me gazing into a darkness
That I invented myself

Let me scuba dive in those deep puddles
And find my peace amongst the swirling mud
Take me over the gravel with my feet bare
Carry me into the deepest woods
I will climb until I fall into the sky
Your hands will grasp at my wrists
And bring me back down to reality
Where I find myself back in bed
Blinking blearily at your sleeping body next to me
Your hand in mine
Keeping me here

My cat is scared of smoke
She watches me intently as I drag from the ecigarette clutched in my hands
As the smoke pours from my mouth
Her eyes go wide and her ears flatten
I can only blink as she darts out of the room

Perhaps if all people could see the warning signs
If they could see my sadness pouring out
They too would dart away
And I would be left to fight my demons in the snow